The next phases of escape

Now that I am free of my previously self-imposed dead weight, I've had some time to reflect on my situation and just wtf I'm going to do with my life. It wasn't easy ridding myself of that dead weight either; it was and continues to be painful, emotionally speaking. While the partnership was irrevocably broken (nonexistent, really), the companionship was real and vibrant. It is true that now I have unfettered hours1 to myself to think and to work, whereas before I could not. It is true that I now have control over my bag of benjies; before not. Take a look at my blog archive: I have published more articles in the last three months than I had in the previous 13 months. I have never experienced such clarity of mind, ever, nor have I ever felt as healthy and sane.

But I also come home from the mines to an empty life; there is a gaping void of solitude that I have not been accustomed to in the last decade or so. If I get killed on the way home from work one day, nobody would even notice, save for my cat. But forget the practical bits of companionship, for it is the emotional bits that I miss the most. The memories, the inside jokes, the laughter, sharing meals (albeit expensive ones...) and wasting away the time together watching the ol' TV, making fun of Steve Harvey's bald head and bad comedic timing on the Family Feud. Yes, I miss all of that. There was a reason it lasted for 8 years, after all, and that it was I simply enjoyed her company very much.

I recall those stories of the d00ds who are trapped under a boulder and must cut off their own limb with a dull knife in order to save their life. What do they do afterwards, I wonder? I mean, besides going to the hospital. Do they grab life by the ol' balls and give 'em a shake or twelve? Or do they find themselves trapped under the office vending machine one day as they wrestle it for the bag of chips it refused to yield?

I dunno, but I'll tell you one thing: I had to make an important choice a few months ago. It was a clear choice: either I give up my dedication to TMSR and silently fade away, or else give up on trying to adultify myself with another child-in-an-adult-body such as myself. I chose the latter, and it came at the cost of a good friend.

I still believe this was the correct choice. I came to understand that, much like the hapless convicted felons in the various socialist states who go with the plea bargain, if I went with the former choice that's all I would be getting. Ever. In the best case, my life would be on the fast-track to writing blog posts on Toy Story 4 instead of working on interesting projects with cool people. I couldn't live with that choice whereas I can live with this one, as much as I may grieve.

But I don't want this pain to be in vain. I don't want to end up trapped under yet another boulder. There's only so many limbs I can lose and I can only regenerate them at a fixed rate! Which brings me to the Uruguay proposal:

mircea_popescu: lobbes, ok, hear this out.
lobbes: listens
mircea_popescu: i'd have no problem advancing some cash for the purpose. you can go there for say a month, see if you can / want to make a life for yourself there.
mircea_popescu: on your end, one advantage is that indeed the expenses are significantly less than fucking boston. if you can manage to get employment remote, it'll give you a lot more free income than any of the carefully engineered to no tleave you anything us jobs
mircea_popescu: also, presuming you need a new gf, it is possible better material in uy than ma / nc
mircea_popescu: on my end, IF you actually like it there i guess we could start a little republican coven, buy a house and have more convenient anchoring.
mircea_popescu: i wouldn't necessarily mind owning some uy real estate, if its actually being used by the lordship.
mircea_popescu: but all these are ifs, naught else
mircea_popescu: ~fin~
lobbes: interesting indeed. I will seriously consider
mircea_popescu: as an added benefit, if your mortage's underwater, you can just walk away. mail the bank the keys and that's that.
mircea_popescu: you're stuck being out of reich for ~6 years or so, but w/e, your republican credit's good.
lobbes: really, all of my 'school debts' in the same manner could just... well disappear
BingoBoingo: lobbes: Test driving the place is important as well on the "if you like it front"
lobbes: true
BingoBoingo: <lobbes> really, all of my 'school debts' in the same manner could just... well disappear << They do
mircea_popescu: lobbes, generally they'll take a renegotiation, but basically... not depending on reich is always better than depending.
mircea_popescu: anyway, these are large questions and nobody can answer for you, so don't take lightly.
lobbes: very true. at least I have the ability to think on such questions these days

I am still mulling this over and I have a large batch of "fish to fry" before I even commit to the proposed "test drive". But it is becoming more alluring with each passing day. I really hate having to go in and "work for hitler" each day, and even then it isn't like I'm building any wealth, nor power. My main sticking point is I do not want to just ignore my debts, because I want to be able to re-enter the US at-will. My mother (who was more like a father to me than my father), is pretty much terminally ill and has probably 10 years left at best. She lives alone despite her illness2, and yet has never once tried to guilt me for not taking care of her or living near her. She's stated many a time that a parent should want their kids to go out in the world and live for themselves, which is sort of a rare attitude in the US3. In other words, she has always supported me no matter what I chose to do, so I don't want to be completely cut off from visiting her for those 6 years or whatever it would take for my college debt to evaporate. Plus, I don't owe THAT much (about $30K, give or take).

So I'm thinking that I will most likely need to snag a remote job of some sort. Something that'll at least allow me to pay off my school debts, which is about $400 USD per month (and that's a conservative estimate). I don't think I'll have issue selling my house, so that just leaves my car (which is almost paid off on its own), and finding someone to take my cat in :(. Problem is these things take time, but lest I lose track of myself, let me enumerate my steps for myself:
  • Get a P.O. Box (I don't trust any of the locations I currently receive mail)
  • Renew Passport
  • Buy a proper sony camera
  • Continue clearing out house, put it on market, sell that shit
  • Block time off to visit Uruguay, most likely sometime in early spring (Jan/Feb/Mar) of 2020 for first test drive (prolly a week or two)
  • If I like the above trip, then find a remote gig and take mircea_popescu up on his offer (or if my employer reads this and I am fired, then maybe this bumps up to #1 :D)

All the while I will keep working on the mp-wp bot and other TMSR work, as well as frying that fish. That's all for now!

  1. non-saltmine hours at least []
  2. cancer []
  3. my dad did not think this, of course, but his ashes are in my living room currently so who's laughing now : D ahem []

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